Here's the problem: You're doing too much.

Yep. Its that easily stated, but just as difficult to stop doing. I always remember that "I'm doing too much" or "I'm doing the most" after the fact. My panache for doing the most, has left me broke, speechless, tired, overly committed, hemmed up (literally), and single. I also know a common nickname of "crazy" that I'm called daily is because I'm always doing too much & I just can't chill out. I'm so tired of remembering to "chill out" after I've exploded. Tired of remembering not to do "too much" after I've "done the most". UGH! It is so irritated. I mean is this that gift and a curse in my life?! I saw NO. Mainly because it if was a gift, I'd apply my need to do too much with great flair and excitement and close attention to detail to everything in my life. #fail. Instead I just apply it to things that bring me pleasure like: shopping, men, parties, showing off and not to my living standards, financial skills, or work ethic. I feel terrified to tap into my potential in those areas whereas I can let loose in the areas that don't deserve my wholeheartedness. Somehow I've got to turn my bad for good and make a way for myself & expand on my potential turning away from quitting too soon & wasting my time.

So funny how we know the problem & the solution but don't solve it. Mainly bc the sacrifice seems way too much but I have a feeling I could reap a GREAT reward if I sacrifice some things now, I'm just being too stubborn & selfish.

I'm also upset about my single circumstance. B.D. called me on Fri the 13th & I'm like umm ok. Still gives me butterflies, but its due to bad nerves & a slight hope he's calling to say: "I'm sorry. I'm coming. Let's make this work. I'm here. I want us together. I quit it all for you. I love you." But haahaha of course that's not it. He & the girl are on the outs so he wantys to get me back in the spot that he always put me: his nasty girl. I'm good. That's not fair to her or me. If she's not doing what he wants that's his problem. That best of both worlds stuff doesn't work over here. Especially when I'm the jumpoff. IM GOOD! Just thinking about it got my stomach hurt. *pause*

Then there is Y.B. He's not so great on paper or emotionally, but hell neither am I! I could fix that though. But whew! I had to catch myself for a min. Y.B. had my nose WIDE OPEN. & reminded me why I'm not in a relationship. I don't know how to chill. I just want someone to come sweep me off my feet, indulge me, and commit to us forever in an instant. Ha! (again). I just took a writing pause bc the BB vibed & I thought it was Y.B. but alas it wasn't. I wish it was. We could be so right together. Triple Ha! How do I say that & I've never even met the dude? Literally. Oh! I know how: I'm doing the most. #fail2x UGH! Ok...let's reevaluate this. I met dude on a dating site. Talked on Yahoo! & then on text & phone since about Halloween. So about 2 weeks. He's cool, nice but distant & withdrawn but he's so nice & if he was boyfriend would be a good one. Wait a minute. Wait a minute. STOP. How do I say that? OH YEAH! Bc "I can plan a future with you & I haven't even met you". So if its not this one, it'll be the next one I do that to, just like I did it with the last.

So many other important things to worry about. I'm so tired oif uncertainty when it comes to the opposite sex & then really life in general. I can deal with uncertainty in some aspects but when its due to a simple lack of communication issue. That's annoying. But I don't wanna communicate all this to someone. I'd deserve the crucial side-eye & crazy nickname calling by that dude. I just wonder how to win. If I'm mean, they love it. If I'm nice, they're disguisted. Then when I'm mean I get labeled as feisty, hard & uptight & they want to sex me not wife me. I show emotion & they desert me & wife the next one. ALWAYS!! WTF. I lose.

Well...thanks for listening. :o) My reality in 2d.
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